I know what I am doing is wrong. I do. I feel my conscience biting each time I make an indiscretion. But it's also exhilerating and so not me. I am attempting to use Fernando whom in turn is using me. We've never come out and said it but we both are. I know nothing will ever come out of this and thats okay. I've given up on trying to be the good girl always. It gets old and boring. Like today I came very close to having sex. Sex. Me. Ummmm. Yeah it has been nearly three years. Each week on Wednesday after work we go to the park and seriously make out on the one mile nature trail. Last week I got my first three hickies (never had one in my life) which were a pain in the ass to cover but luckily it's been in the thirties so it looks somewhat normal to wear a turtleneck. Today I was more careful in that department. Instead kissing got much better but I ended up with very red lips and the one side is puffy and swollen. I'll just say that I have a fat lip.And I have runs in my brand new lace top $10.00 thigh tops from Victoria's Secret. I want to have sex with him. I do. But I also know I run the risk of everyone at work finding out if not at least the whole kitchen staff. And yeah he has a live in girlfriend. I think that he might think that I am dumb enough not to know that or maybe it's just another topic we dance around.

I know what I am doing is wrong but in the same token it feels so good to be wanted. I don't get that very often. It would just be so much better if it could just have been a one night stand and ended so I could just get this out of my system. Because you know what curiosity did.